What is it that we humans fear with intimacy? Is it the risk or is it the vulnerability itself that we fear. I know that I certainly am embarrassed of myself at times, not necessarily confident, not necessarily sure of who I am or where I should be going. However, if it is through this one-to-one validation that we inject security and certainty into the hearts of those around us, how is it that we find so many people with so many broken relationships. And more so, people that want nothing to do with relationships. Because, I firmly believe that God created each of us with a profound desire within the depths of our DNA to be loved by HIM. Since sin crept in this desire has been transformed into a desire to be liked, accepted, beautiful, and popular. There are many of my generation that are coming to this same conclusion, but certainly not enough. I mean I know that I am always searching for approval, affirmation, and someone else to brag about me.
Ultimately then, one could say that our fear of intimacy with one another, is derived directly from our fear of intimacy with God. I like to think that I am fully open with God, but there is a lot that I keep from Him. I tell Him just enough so that he can keep tabs on my life, take control when necessary, and be there with a spade and a bag for when I screw up. Aside from that, I keep Him at an arms length, just in case there is something else. I know that God is supposed to be my “Dad”, the dad with no screw-ups, no faults, always caring, but what if I feel like I had that dad already? I have no complaints of the father that I have so how is God supposed to sweep in and all of the sudden be my father. There was always comfort in knowing that I had a really good father, but he was human. And one day I would be able to walk out, make my own choices, mistakes, and failures, and if I ever wanted to I could always hide it from Him. Even more, my dad could give me solid advice, but he could never facilitate change in me, he couldn’t orchestrate events so as to make things happen. If I disclose my soul to God, I am giving Him license to do whatever he deems best in the situation. I feel like I can’t talk to God without handing over situations to Him. If I genuinely ask Him what he thinks about Jenny and I going to the mission field, I fear he will send me. If I actually tell Him I trust Him with my marriage, what will he take me through? And so through all of this I am in some kind of trance that I control things. I mean I know that God loves me, but within the idea of intimacy there is a need for trust…and maybe this is what I fear.
I always heard the song Jesus loves me and felt like it was full of narcissism. I mean honestly…an entire song about how Jesus loves me…I am bad enough at loving him, why should I waste time singing about how He loves me. But it hit me the other day that, it is because he loves me that I can disclose these things. Sure, without Jesus, God feels enormous, controlling, judgmental, but he is not that way. And God did not orchestrate history so that he would be communicated that way, he actually did the complete opposite. He gives his people hundreds of chances, and then, when you think they are all up, he launched Jesus onto the scene. With Jesus I feel secure, like he has what’s best. With Jesus I feel like a kid again. Holding Jesus’ hand frees me to disclose those things that I hold so closely to my heart. And the scariest thing is that the key to my spiritual success is that Jesus loves me, this I know. Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.
I guess we all fear this intimacy to some extent. While my fear is more towards the God who created intimacy. Robbie told us today about the many conversations he has had with is father. Each time that he wants to talk about what he’s learning about being a man, needing his father, and the love that he still has for his over-worked and under-loving father, his dad starts in on some catholic radio program he heard, changing the topic entirely. Stories like that make me cringe. I want everyone to feel genuine fatherly love. Like the love I felt from my dad, I’m just a little scared of God’s still.
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